Nora Hikari
Ritual
“I’m tired.” The edge of her words snags at my throat. I fold her, locket and loved, against my wanting collar. The struck way she curls into my arms fills me with a dull ache. I remember a time when things were different for us. The world had opened her arms to us with promise and praise. Our victory over the angel of death felt so fresh and starry-eyed. Our twice-named birthdays sang with everything we could still have, and our dreams romped in the streets like the end of a long, long war. She starts to weep silently. I can only tell because of her little quivers; the damp, seeping warmth on the fabric of my shirtfront.
“One day it will be different,” I start. The sudden sound of my voice jolts us both into a different stage of our grieving. She holds her breath for a moment as she waits for me to go on, as if worried she won’t hear me. As if she hasn’t heard this dozens of times in my voice.
“One day this world will hold us. There will be a place in this world made for us. We will be able to sing and dance without fear. One day we will walk in the park with nothing to come for us. One day we will know peace.”
She knows the shape of this prayer. The rhyme and rhythm of it. Even to me it feels derisive now, condescending, cruel. Her breath hitches, and she flinches, as if the old hopes might find the most direct way into her heart, with no concern for the bones and tissue in the way. Then the sobbing starts.
It’s too late now, of course. The ritual has begun. We have to see it through to the end. No matter how much it hurts.
“One day, the sky will open up for us, and heaven will be swallowed by a great black expanse.”
“One day the stars will be smothered and die one by one, and the only light in this world will come from our hearts.” She mutters the response partly out of habit, mostly out of the comfort of a familiar recitation.
“One day this world will be darker than sleep.”
“One day this dark will reveal the contents of our souls.”
“One day we will be able to see and be seen.”
“One day it won’t hurt.”
We’re getting into it now. The old magic works the way it’s meant to. Lines uncrease on her face. Tension uncurls from my shoulders. Scars turn pale and soft. Breath starts to come easier for us both.
“One day it will be safe.”
“One day it will be kind.”
“One day it will be gentle.”
We move on to the benediction, this part in unison.
“One day this world will love us back. Heaven is empty. The earth rots with death. I love you forever. Stay here with me.”
The healing magic does hurt. It hurts the way grief hurts when released. It hurts the way suffering exits the body through wounds. She grits her teeth, tears streaming down her cheeks, and we finish the ritual.
“We will never ever die.”
“We will never ever forgive them.”
HELLWOMAN GIRLSCAPE QUEEN OF BLADES [SPOILER ALERT]
After the Wikipedia page for Sarah Kerrigan
Sarah Louise Kerrigan, the self-styled Queen of Blades, is a fictional character in Blizzard Entertainment's StarCraft franchise. The character was created by Chris Metzen and James Phinney, and her appearance was originally designed by Metzen. Her appearance was of a woman, which is to say that Sarah Kerrigan was a woman, and also appeared to be as a woman. Sarah Kerrigan was a tall and silvery woman equipped with powerful psionics and a revelation of scarlet hair and a cruelty of legs and a cluster of red and blue pixels. Sarah Kerrigan was granted a second birth, which is the only way a woman can be saved. Sarah Kerrigan was eaten alive by aliens and men and died on a planet called Tarsonis. She came back and was like all fucked-up and alien-looking except super hot and fifteen-foot-long bone wings and claws for clawing and teeth for teething and stiletto heels grown directly into her feet and also more psychic powers than before and Sarah Kerrigan was abandoned at New Gettysburg among the questing hands of the zerglings and hydralisks who cast lots for her clothes and Sarah Kerrigan was born a woman but made into a new kind of thing through the steel powers of science and mutation and also huge amounts of violence. Girls aren't born, they're built, and when she erupted into her body her chrysalis bled like an uncreated thing and when she clambered onto the living carpet of the world she said her name over and over queen of blades queen of blades queen of blades my name is my name is my name is and I was born from hopes and dreams and supreme amounts of violence and a name is a kind of knife by which I mean a name is a kind of key by which I mean a name is a kind of prosthetic surgery and when The Queen of Blades was born she scalpeled her way out from the flesh embrace of every kind of god that exists which includes men and medical records and government and the unassailable drop at the peak of the tower, and Sarah Kerrigan was the Swarm and Sarah Kerrigan was the last remaining Xel'Naga and Sarah Kerrigan became the end of the Cycle which is a kind of girl by which I mean it is a thing that every girl hopes to be, every girl is part of a cycle and believes they can end it through the powers of hopes and dreams and supreme quantities of violence, every girl believes they can be remade into something that doesn't have a lineage of corpse logic and every day modern wonders are born into this world in a flash of light and a whisper of sutures and a clatter of pills and Sarah Kerrigan was a kind of woman that was born from cutting and she was given the name Queen and she chose the name Blades and Sarah Kerrigan is the Queen of Blades the Queen of Blades the Queen of Blades.
Nora Hikari (she/her) is a disabled Chinese and Japanese transgender poet and artist based in NYC. She was a 2022 Lambda Literary fellow, and her work has been published in Ploughshares, Palette Poetry, Foglifter, The Journal, The Washington Square Review, and others. Her chapbook, GIRL 2.0 (Seven Kitchens Press, 2022) was a Robin Becker Series winner. She was a reader at the 2022 Dodge Poetry Festival and a finalist for the Red Hen Press Benjamin Saltman Award. Her chapbook, The Small Lights Of Her Heart, is forthcoming from Finishing Line Press in 2023. Nora Hikari can be found at her website norahikari.com and on twitter at @system_wires
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