Elyssa Tappero

Chronic(le)

(CW: chronic pain, doctors)

I lose track, honestly. Maybe this pain is new but maybe it started five years ago, no wait, has it been seven already? Maybe I should be concerned but maybe it’s too late to do anything about it anyway or maybe my doctor will just give me yet another new med to add to my overflowing pill container. I just lose track, you know, between the migraines and the stomach cramps and the back pain and the ever present aching in my fingers, in my arms, it all begins to flow together in time and space. It’s like a symphony but I’m not really good at musical stuff, right, I can’t pick individual instruments out of all that blended sound, so how would I know if a new one was added or someone was playing off-key? How am I supposed to know that this sharp, piercing stomach pain is different from the sharp, clenching stomach pain or the sharp, hot stomach pain or the lingering, aching stomach pain? When am I supposed to be concerned: the first time? the second? after a week or a month or six months or six years? And why should I even bother to act on it when every single time my doctor just shrugs and hands me another scrip for another chronic condition?