Ben Horrobin
Pawning the Watch
(CW: Addiction (Implied))
All pawn sales depress me
In the way they make plain the winners and losers
Victory predetermined by which side of the counter you start on
No way to spin this
No it’s not you it’s me mutual fictions
Just overt, desperate need
Made too public under florescent light
As I hand them my eighteenth birthday gift
Too Honest
(CW: Eating Disorder, Binge eating)
Make the tenth of the morning’s shirt lifted checks to ensure ab muscles are still visible
Debate forgoing the breakfast banana
Decide that this will only make tonight worse
Consume
Rapidly, enough coffee
That you can feel your eyes vibrate inside your skull
Darting left and right
looking for an exit that isn’t there
-
Make a post bowel movement full body inspection
Work absentmindedly
Alternatively watch and admonish yourself for watching
The clock
YouTube videos
The progress of time told in sundial shadows off trees
-
Break for lunch
Protein shake
Exercise
Feel blood push against veins too small to contain your effort
If you are asking where the line is the answer is further
-
Dinner
Raspberries
Peanut butter
Lie down and ignore it
Willpower
Fuck it, who can’t eat toast?
Dregs from the butter tray off the edge of a knife while you wait for the toast
Sugar directly from the jar adjacent the coffee machine
Butter and sugar
Now something salty
Cheese
More bread
Defeat
Shame
Quick check in the mirror
Exercise holding the line for now
But there are cracks in my defenses
Ben Horrobin was born at the tender age of 0 in Vancouver.