Ireisha Anindya

you want someone to hold your body

you want someone to hold your body like procrastination. you want a moment in a
perpetual state, to live inside an unperturbed system. this cycle of never going
anywhere—

an indulgence of scenario. speculative is freedom from any tangible. it’s romantic, to
be desire, it’s unreality. you take a gasp like you are choking on all the people that
you fail to be

& you mostly want someone else. someone else to love, someone else you can act
out, someone else to get away from yourself. there is nothing else in yourself but a
wound anymore. this whole bloody self is ongoing destruction.

so you believe self-healing is licking your own wound until nothing is left. you are so
badly mistaken.

having a body in this economy & society & culture is ridiculous. & we have to

live with the reality of anatomy at work. the muscle memory remembers the risk

that is the weight of your body. i do not have my best interest at heart. my body is

role reenacted by every ambition, in the name of something larger than myself.

every body idiom is symbolic. outside myself. the self is an out-of-body experience.

self-lullaby to a modern anatomy

dim the light and let the darkness be visible. dim the light and let this form be a
shadow in the wall.

we have been someone else’s visual impression for long. this exposure is making
the shine profane. all brightness saturates the landscape, it’s cultural. these lives
under spotlights are being physical, we’re just signs to visual storytelling.

dim the light and let the darkness be visible. dim the light and let the body be less
and more than attributes.

when i dream of the future i dream of becoming fossils. someone i don’t know is
excavating the remains of pasts far away. my life is a series of predictions from the
future. they might tell a better story than this flesh and blood.

dim the light and let the darkness be visible. dim the light and let the body away from
its function. these bodies have been living on time schedules. dim the light and let
yourself futile. dim the light and let the mind & senses & movement & inside

go.

Ireisha Anindya (she/her) is an autistic woman currently living in Indonesia. She sometimes writes in both English and Indonesian, but more often spends her time agonizing over writing. She is trying to be free to be herself and to be free from the expectation of identity. You can find her on @___fleursdumal on Twitter.